By Prof Hew Gill, Associate Provost, Sunway University
Emotional intelligence or EQ is the capacity to understand your own and other people’s emotions, to manage your own emotions in a positive way and to have harmonious social relationships. EQ is very important because the research evidence appears to show that people who are able to manage their emotions effectively are much more likely to be successful, happier, and are even likely to live longer and healthier lives. So what is EQ and how can you improve it ?
There are four broad aspects of EQ and the most important of these is self-awareness. This is the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, and how these inner feelings may affect your thoughts and behaviours. Once you understand yourself you can then begin to see patterns in your emotions and this means that you can tackle the second part of EQ by managing your feelings, thoughts and behaviours. The third aspect of EQ is learning to recognise other people’s emotions and being able to empathise with them, as well as understanding how others’ emotions, motivations and behaviours may change in response to you and different social situations. Lastly, EQ is about combining all these elements so that you can initiate, develop, and maintain harmonious relationships with a wide range of other people. Developing your EQ means being able to communicate more effectively, inspiring and influencing other people, preventing or resolving conflicts, and becoming a liked and trusted member of your social and professional groups.
EQ is a skill and there are several simple things you can do to improve your level of EQ and, in common with any skill, the more you practise the better you will become. You can develop your self-awareness by examining and connecting with your own emotions and understanding how your emotions are linked to your thoughts and actions. The easiest way to do this is to pause a few times a day to reflect upon how you feel inside and to observe your own behaviour, noticing how particular emotions may affect the way that you conduct yourself. Some people choose to keep an emotion diary by making notes recording how they feel, explaining what was happening when they had particular feelings, and how those feelings were expressed in their behaviour. Over time you will begin to recognise that there are patterns in what causes your emotions and how you respond to certain feelings by thinking or acting in particular ways.
Once you understand more about your emotions then you can start to manage them. If you know that some people or situations are likely to trigger negative emotions you can think about the steps you can take to avoid or control those triggers. If you can predict an emotion you can choose how you respond to it and take control of your own behaviour. One of the easiest ways to manage your emotions is to treat situations like a game in which you anticipate potential problems and try to avoid them or consciously choose to respond to by behaving positively. If you know that a certain topic is likely to make you upset, make a point of raising and closing the topic in a way that suits you or if something is making you angry then take a deep breath and force yourself to smile. With practice you will realise that you can control your behaviour and that a short moment of self-control will also make negative emotions fade much faster.
There is nothing more intriguing than other people and this means developing your understanding of their emotions can be both interesting and fun. Observe how and what people say, listen to the words they use, notice their body language, look at their facial expressions. Make an effort to see their point of view, try to understand why they are expressing themselves in that particular way and relate it to your own feelings in similar situations. Listening closely, reflecting on what other people are telling you, and asking thoughtful questions to clarify your understanding are great ways of learning more and can also be the first step in last part of EQ: better relationship management.
Nodding, agreeing, asking questions, and sharing your experiences related to what other people are saying are very good ways to build rapport and show your interest. Effective listening also means imagining how you would feel in similar situations and as you develop empathy you will begin to understand someone else’s perspective and you’ll also be able to anticipate their feelings. You are half of any relationship so at least 50% is in your direct control, and the more you recognise your own and others’ emotions the easier it becomes to manage your behaviour to take things in a positive and harmonious direction. Keep practising and all these things will become automatic, giving you a much higher level of EQ.
